finding out what matters

I can't sleep and I know exactly why. Its not because I'm not tired and it's definitely not because I'm sick. I've decided that its because I have this one REALLY big regret that's overcoming all my thoughts and making me feel really guilty to the point where I'm restless. Restless if I'm not constantly moving or busy planning something. From now on, I've decided that I need to be completely honest wiht everyone...even myself. No matter how scared I am of the consequences. So this thing that i feel really guilty for lying about...not even lying, just WITH-HOLDING certain truths...I guessed what the consequence WOULD have been had I told the truth and then made that happen. This is the same reason why I have drank myself into oblivion for the last 5 months (I'm NOT an alcoholic, I swear.) and also the exact reason behind my decision to STOP this said drinking in the past month or so.

So what does it all mean? I guess I just need to have a really long, awkward conversation really soon. I'm thinking the only thing that I can lose by doing this is a really good friend BUT at the same time, what's the point of keeping this friend if the whole friendship is based on one of my lies? I'll talk to him about it and see how things go I guess. So unsure of everything right now and I've never had this in my life.

The past month has been good though. I hope that I can keep doing what I'm doing now. Staying sober to help friends who have exceeded their limit, drinking occassionally with friends and having a great time, enjoying the sport (soccer) that I love so much and had somehow lost the passion for and spending some much needed time with family. Being the friend who people can count on and the girl that isn't hungover at work. THIS, I'm proud of. I want this to be the person I am and the person others see me as. Finally I'm realizing what is important to me and realizing what so many other people realized before me.